Patwah Poetry

Trevor Ebaks
May 6, 2015
8 min read

I write some poetry in Jamaican Patois . They are meant to be funny so I hope you have a good laugh.

JOHN CROW WEDDING All de fu fu peeple dat gainst cuples Ah de same sex Jus mek mi hargry, dem mek mi bex! Tek de poor John Crow Ah wah im gwine fi do Wen im wahn fi marry jess like yu? Im haf fi tek annuddah John Crow Fi stan by im side Im haf tek one to be Im bride Fi mi nah wurry An fi mi nah fret Fah fi mi neva see A Joan or a Jane Crow yet!

This is not really patois, but broken English. Here I make fun of wanting the things that I could get at home.

LOBSTERS IN BRAZIL (with apologies to Lewis Carroll's "Lobster Quadrille") "Where can I find wilks?" I ask them in Comper (That's the supermarket that rhymes with "come here") The cashier look at me as if I just drop out of thin air! "Eu nao entendo, o que voce quer?" "I want wilks, or a piece of lobster tail! You don't know wilks? They look just like a snail! Will you? Won't you, get them for me? They live on the ironshore Down by the sea

"Okay, if you don't have that, How about some cunk She just look at me as if I was drunk! "Me desculpe, eu nao entendendo O que voce esta dizendo?" "You don't understand what I say? Cunk like you find out in the bay! Will you? Won't you, just give me a chance? I could make them understand When I lived in France!

She took her glasses off And this is what she say (It was in English, Just as plain as day!) "This is Cuiaba, far from the sea If you want seafood Then go to Recife! Will you, won't you please get out of the way Eu quero chegar em casa, It's been a long day!"

PEPPERPOT REVENGE One Sunday aftanoon an prehaps was nat Mi cide fi haf de famly ova, fi sum peppapat Mi hinvite mi dawta, de stuk-up one name Sue Jus cause a dacta she marry She sign she name Mrs. Dr. Hugh! An mi son name Larry wid de tun up nose Like im smell simting funny Inna im designa close Also mi granny Tan Tan, she so nice an sweet She love soup, fi she nah gah no teet! An mi wutless naybah dat dem cawl Jack Im barrah mi cutlass an still no bring it back! An mi cousin Matty an she bwayfren too Boat dem tink dem pretty but dem fava Jonkanoo! Well, dem each one ad a bole in frent ah de TV An each one tek a sip den look pon mi "Ah wah dis yu gib us?" mi son Larry say An tek de bole a soup an dash it way! "Dis nat peppapat, fi it doan tase nice, It doan ha no tase, ah weh di spice?" Dat was mi naybay dat name Jack Im wud fine out if mi had mi cutlass back! Granny Tan Tan look down an strain she yeye fi see "Ah weh de callaloo? Dis ya simting yella like mi pee!" In jump Mrs. Dr, Sue Hugh, mi stuk-up hugly dawta "I'd hate to think what I'd have to drink, if this was mannish wata!" Matty an she bwayfren pour dem soup inna dah bole fi Rin Tin Tinny (Im is mi mawga dawg, nuh matta wah feed im, im still tan skinny!) De dawg tun up im nose, jes like mi son, cut im yeye Put im tail tweena ah im leg an roll ova like imma go fi die!

So de nex week mi hinvite dem back Fi haf peppapat in mi lickle shack Mi start herly mawning, 'fore daylite break Mi start fi cook 'fore eben John Crow wake Mi tief ten poun ah callaloo fram Bongo Natty yard (Im af plenty, so im nah go feel it hard) Two dozen pig tail, curly an pink (Dem might ah bin spwile, fah dem was kine ah stink!) De milk fram ten coconut dat fall fram de tree (Dem was kinna black, bin lang time dere yu see!) Twenty scatch bannet mi haf growin in de back (even de smell ah dem will gib yu heart attack!) Two undred dumplins, made wid black peppa and flougha Ah tell yu dat was wuk, it tek mi a howa! Five big hed ah yella yam dat cum fram Missta Sing (Im is a rich man, so im nah miss a ting!) Ah barrow two dozen coco fram Miss Lou wen she wasen looking Den ah put ahn mi pat an start mi cooking Ah trow in a battel ah tabasco sauce dat cum fram Mexico Sum time an scellion an a couple ah coco sum honion an harsradish, jess fi di tase Annudah poun af black peppa so it wud nat wase Two big root ah ginja (de recipee no cawl fi dat|) But ah tink it will elp mek it nice an hat!

Soon awl mi gess dem, dem start fi arrive An de peppapat ah bwile an bubble, like simting alive. "Ooo dat smells delicious, it really smell good!" Say mi son, Larry, an inna dis heat imma wear hood! "I can't wait to have a taste!" Sue say fram behine "It really smells quite spicy," she say, rubbing she waisline. So ah pour a bole fi dem awl an put it in dem han De fuss one drink it down was Granny Tan Tan She neva badda wid de spoon, she put straight ah she head An wha appen nex will mek yu laff till yu ded! Granny start a coff an sputta an she false teet fall down pon de floor Rin Tin Tinny grab dem up an run out de door Den she start spin roun like she was a tap She was gwine so fas, mi tink she nah go stap! She let two dutty wud fly dat mi neva ear before Den she faint way right deh pon de kichen floor! Wen she cum roun, she look pon mi "See wah yu gwan fi do to yu po granny! Yu mek mi cuss bad wud an sin mi sole Mi will neva get inna Heaben now, wen dem put mi down de hole!" "No wurry bout dat Tan Tan," mi say wid ah sigh "If dat de neva kill yu, yu nah eva gwine die! Meanwile, mi good fi nutting naybay, Jack Put im bole to im ed an lick it back Den im run outside an fly ova de wall Im muss bruk wirl reckad fah it ova ten foot tall! If is nat wirl reckard im bruk den mi suspeck Im muss a bruk im foot ar prehaps im blasted nek! Larry im tek one spoon full an tun wite jes like a sheet "Ah wah dis Puppa gib we fi eat?" De soup tun up pon im nice wite sweata "No worry," mi say "in green it look betta!" "Dis a ah Versachi! Larry say wid pride Mi dunno wha dat is but it look back to frent an pon de rang side! Matty an she bwayfren gib each udda a tase Den start fi fan dem mout an danse roun de place Yu neva in yu life see such a funny dance Dem look like dem did step inna nes full ah fire anse! De lass fi tek a sip was mi dahling dawta She love peppapat an coconat wata She drink one bole an den lick she lip Say she wahn sum more, jess annuda sip Mi was jess scrapin out de out battam ah de pat We mi she shout, "Lawd, dis yah peppapat hat!" Wen mi tun roun look see wah she deh shouting bout Mi see fire ah cum spouting out she mout! Mi haf grab de extinguisha fi put it out!

Nex mawnin bright an herly, mi haf fi go tilelit It was nat de peppapat, fi mi neva drink none ah it "Ah weh de tilelit paypa?" mi hollah fi Sue "It inna de freezer, Pappy. Mi will get it fi yu!" "Ah wah mek yu put it deh? " mi ass wid a frown "Tings gat so hat down deh, mi haf fi cool dem down! Dat deh peppapat was wuss dan sin It bun ten time wussa cummin out dan wen it ah go in! Revenge, it sweeta dan eny peppapat An fi de one yu ah tek revenge pon It twice as hat!

MIAMI IMMIGRATION Yu eva bin tru immigration at de en ah de week? Awl de plane ah cum in one time Hair traffic at it peak! De line dem lang an fole up, like Japanese origami Dat is immigration in Miami Mi jest haf fi stan up an wait mi tun Awl dough mi wahn de tilet an mi foot dem ah bun So mi stan dere waitin pon Miami immigration An awl mi can tink bout is mi irrigation Mi shiff fram one foot and den to de udda An try tinking bout how mi gwine manage De eighty inch TV fi mi baby brudda So ah tun roun an ass de lady, ah tink she was a she To hole mi place fi mi, far ah really haf fi pee! She yeye dem roll up inna ah she hed Like mi ass she simting wud mek she ded! An wen ah get back an get inna de line She wahn fi ack like is de fuss time she see mi behine! Afta bout at lease ah week Mi see de golden line, de treasure dat mi seek A nuddah mont go by, ar maybe ah year But allelujah, tank yu Dear Jeezas, mi is finally here! De hoffica im look bex up, like mi kill im black fowl "How long are you staying?" im ass wid a scowl. "Mi dunno, but how bout ah year?" "You can't stay that long! What is your purpose here?" "Ah cum to do sum shapping, Mista. Big Nose. So yu betta urry up, before Dadelan close!" "Do you have over ten thousand dollars?" Mi ansa, "Ah wish!" Im yeye dem blaze hopen Like two sausa dish! "Just answer the question , do you have that in cash?" "Ah wah yu tink mi do, sell ganja or hash?" Im look like im see duppy, wid brown skin An haf de nerve fi call mi "Alien" "Mi look like mi fram annudah planet to yu? Mi is quite ooman, ooman more dan yu! Den im wahn fi tek mi picha an mi finga print Like mi is sum criminal wid bad intint! "How cum yu sign say "Welcome to Miami an de beaches", Den yu wahn fi treat Caribbean peeple like a bunch a leeches? Mi nah no terrorist, mi no even own no gun Wen mi hear gun shat dem, awl mi do is run! Yu tink seh Bolt hole wirl recard? Mi tek im fi fun Before im even start, mi is lang time dun! "Don't you get rude with me, or I will send you back To that little island you came from. Where is it? Ah, yes, Cayman Brac!" "Who yu tink yu talking to an mi cum ere by plane? Yu mumma an yu puppa float in, inna de pourin rain!" "OK, that's it! I've really had enough! Now you've really gone too far! I'm going to get tough!" Out cum sum men dress in navy blue "This is security, they will escort you!" Mi really cuddin let im get way wid im poppy show! "Yu mout fava chicken batty, wen breeze ah blow!" Dem tek mi to one room, wey mi still waiting yet Wid one undred uddah peeple, awl frumTibet!

MISS LOU'S DUPPY Lass nite mi see Miss Lou duppy Mi tell yu 'tis true She was standin rite in frent a mi Jess as plain as yu! " A wha yu tink yu doin' Miss Ibbie dry foot bway? Bringin mi pain an sarrow Stead ah peace an jaay! Yu poetry nah up fi mi kine ah scrach Mi was barn lang before yu eben tink bout hach! But ah tell unno dis Mi no mine wha yu do As lang as de peeple dem Rememba Miss Lou!"